oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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