she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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