it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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