Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
