Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
