fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
