Pappa wants mamma naked
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
NoShamevember. You game?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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