would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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