I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
