my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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