I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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