I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
