Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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