i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?