based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
