Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
