You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I did not marry a roomba.
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