Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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