The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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