Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
