I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
