Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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