You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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