I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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