Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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