They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
