Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
