I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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