sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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