My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
