Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
