Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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