I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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