i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
