He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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