My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
