I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
