apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
