Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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