There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
