we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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