just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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