Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My ATM looks so different sober.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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