Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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