4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
