Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
