Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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