the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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