my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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