Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish you could order shots online.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
