My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
