Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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