just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
