I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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