Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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