I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
