called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I could make wine with my vomit
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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