Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You can't motorboat a personality
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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