It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
