Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
