The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
What a dumb baby whore.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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