either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
