I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
